COME TO JESUS PEEPLE, THOSE EMO JEANS LOOK GOOD ON ABSOLUTELY NO-ONE!

Really I could just end the blog right there. Nuff said. We all know it, it's simply, apparently, my karmic duty to blurt out the blatantly obvious to everyone within earshot.
But seriously. The rest of the "emo" look I really don't have a problem with, except that it's a blatant rip-off of '80's punks (or really, 70's) mixed in with a little bit of whatever's on sale at Claire's Boutique.
The hair, kinda spiky, except instead of mohawks or devil horns they're apparently trying to look like 3D versions of Japanime heroes. That's cool,that's somewhat original even.
The upper-body apparel - ok, that I have a wee bit of a problem with, especially if the accent is on SKINNY, and let's face it, skinny teenage boys don't need to accentuate their stick-figure-ness, and teenage girls sure as hell don't need another reason to become anorexic.
Especially those "French-sailor" horizontally striped shirts- they've got to go. They are cute on no one. They were ugly in the Eighties, they're ugly now. If you're a grown-ass person wearing one of those ugly revivals, I can't even talk to you.
But mainly... I can't even say it. It's ...the...pants. Jeans? Can you even call them jeans, what look like they were painted on you and you can practically see all the individual yeast cells jumping up and down on your crotch, with joy, because they've never had such prime habitat for infection?
Yuck. I realize that as a kinesthetic person, maybe I'm more sensitive to this stuff than most. When I see another person wearing ridiculously high heels, or too-tight pants of any kind, for the sake of fashion, I wince in pain as if it's being inflicted on me. But these emo pants, or "leggings" or whatever the hell they are- if they are for the sake of fashion, then isn't every kind of fashion supposed to make you look sort of, I dunno, GOOD? Or failing that, COOL?
These pants, oy vey, have got me audibly groaning like a grandma from the old country. "Look vat they are do-ink to the children!! aaaauuughhh!"
Especially the boys. Normally I have no sympathy for whatever they do to themselves, fashion-wise, but this is extreme.
Don't they realize that if they squeeze their nuts up inside them like that all day, they'll NEVER be able to have sex with anyone, of any gender??
And the backside- ooof! They are cutting off all circulation to the backside! Not good! With the young ones, I feel like, ok, maybe they just didn't get the memo. Here is the memo, please forward to all young ones you know:
Girls, and gay men, last I checked, like a little tookus. Not a huge tookus, but ya know, a little junk in the trunk. A little moose in the caboose. Some air in yo' derriere. A nice round butt, is what I'm saying.
Am I wrong to assume that as a universal? Most guys already know this, I think, and if they work on their lower bodies at all, at the gym, they do hip sled rounds, or squats, or maybe the leg press- all of which look very manly and as if ya know, "ah, dudes' just pumpin' iron ya know, gettin' huge" but secretly, they are trying to build up the gluteus maximus so that at SOME POINT in their lives, they might get some action.
Perhaps some of these gym dudes should take on one emo kid each, and mentor him out of the insanity. Ya know, man-to-man. As a woman, if you tell boys anything.. well, you're wasting your time.
Our good friend Zach's oldest son is totally emo, which is a crying shame because he's really cute, has a decent, well-proportioned, pseudo-athletic body, and he chooses to mutilate it, every day, with those damn emo jeans. In fact, yes, I'm going to go ahead and say this- emo jeans are the male equivalent of Asian foot-binding for women.
I never thought a clothing item would make me nostalgic for "Baby Got Back." There it is.